My Dad said that two days before I was born, a typhoon struck here and power was cut off in nearby areas. There was no light all around and there were no stars in the sky. Fortunately, the Moon was hanging round and bright in the sky, so the midwife was able to quickly come to my house and deliver me. My Dad named me "Strong Moon."
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The day I turned three years old, I got a serious illness. After that I could not speak and my throat made no sound. My Mom took me to see a lot of doctors and I ate a variety of Chinese medicines, but all without results. Since I became "dumb", my parents blamed themselves and wonder if I will love them or express my feelings.
Ivy and Lace are my neighbors, my companions and my friends. The sisters have tried to help me speak, but my throat is still sore. It's hard to live up to expectations; I always try to use my voice, and have tried unsuccessfully for a long time. Not only do I feel discouraged, they're also losing hope.
When I was between six and seven years old, the town issued a notice of admission. My parents, and even my grandMom, have to take me to school and apply for my admission. Unfortunately, the school refused to accept me. We tried to please principals, teachers, and headmaster, but they are shaking their heads 'No'. I watched my brother Zhang go to school, carrying a green bag every day. Then when he returns from school in the afternoon, he's carrying a bigger bag back. I envy him, the books and homework, so I often grab the bag and we struggle.
I cannot speak, so I try to communicate in other ways. In addition to my hands, my eyes are my communication tool! Perhaps this is the reason I feel spiritual, and my spirit speaks with my eyes.
People call me "Dumb it", but what can I do except take their insults?
At dusk, I often ride a bike with Irma and sisters, to the fields to enjoy the waves of golden rice sea, but also chasing the clouds floating in the sky. When we encounter an orchard, we mischievous to lure each other, taste sour fruit, chasing each other, joke around. But we also attracted the wrath of the owner who would curse us and drive us away. As the days went by, we did not want to grow up.
My Aunt in Taipei suddenly sent a letter, and she said the Taipei school would accept me because my reading scores were so good. I hope I am ready to enroll.
My Mom asked me: "Do you want to go to Taipei to study?"
"Yes, of course!" I nodded.
"Taipei is far away, my Mom cannot stay with you. Can you take care of yourself?"
"I grew up, I can take care of myself." I immediately tried to communicate with gestures.
Over the past few years, watching everyone go to school when I was not, left me feeling like I was smaller than everyone else. Therefore, the school even far away on the horizon, I am willing to try.
I came to like Taipei. Every morning, at dawn, I carry my bag across Taipei Bridge to school and sit in my classes. After class, I cross the bridge again and always go straight home and did not usually wander around with my friends because that would make me spend more money. I know my family had to sell a piece of land in order to send me to Taipei to study, so I want to save money.
Teachers and other school officials showed me patience, they welcomed me with respect. Students of all ages attended the school, but it was not hard to develop friendships.
Lee is the first student I got to know since her seat was in front of me. She is very attentive in class and seems to study hard. She also take notes and is one of the best students in class. And if I do not understand something in class or about this place, I often ask her.
During winter and summer vacation, I stay in my Aunt's home. I occupy a small room to read and practice calligraphy. I like to brush the ink stained paper with a brush to write. It's easy for me to communicate that way. Occasionally I accompany my Aunt to the market to buy food or buy other things to help organize our home or the yard. I'd like to have a chance to go home again, but I know it might be difficult. I vaguely outline a "homecoming" plan, and like to imagine how times were before.
I stare out the cold window, even as I read, and imagine those times and if I might have gold and glory for myself. I certainly know that the times are different now, and also recognize the fact that a "dumb" woman will not be taken seriously in any dynasty... that is just the social environment; but this does not prevent me from constructing hopes and dreams in my imagination.
I began to feel that there's not enough time in the day. I'm often busy late at night because in addition to class, I want to read and write letters.
My Aunt doesn't like me up late at night instead of sleeping:
"You are still small, do not mess up your life because of your friends!"
"No, friends are writing letters to me first!"
"Are those letters important? Why are you up late at night?"
"Courtesy! People write letters, so I should always give people a reply, right?"
"Who said? Who decided who must give a reply?" My Aunt immediately responded.
"Aunt, isn't that okay?"
"Foolish girl, there is no one to whom you must give a reply. You came here to study, not to write love letters."
So, I had no choice but to focus on school, and later I can no longer keep the lights on late at night to write letters.
Later at school I see a man who cannot hear or speak, but he seems to have a noble soul. He not only writes beautiful words, but he also draws well with his hands. His appearance is handsome, and female students like to be close to him. I have a good impression of him, but he never sends messages to me. I occasionally try to take some painting classes so he can show me how. His eyes are bright, like two burning clusters of fire. Will those two clusters of fire melt me?
I found out his name is Jay, and with sign language he told me: "You really beautiful!" I am so surprised and of course I am pleased, but I use a book to cover my face since I am blushing. He can still see that my ears are red, but he cannot see that my face is hot and red like fire. After a burst of laughter, he snatched my book, and he assumed the posture of a victor. I couldn't take the book back because he held it so high. I simply couldn't reach it, but while trying I leaned into him. This somehow inspired him to try more since I was close to him. He was a little scared also, I think, but he put the book far out of reach. I turned to try and get it back, but we got tangled up and he started clinging to my waist. I started to panic as we were so close I heard both of our hearts beating violently. My face was hot again as I am struggling even more, while his hand is getting closer. Not being able to speak is a disadvantage; otherwise I can yell: "Get away from me!" or "Let me go!"
His face is getting closer and closer, my heart is getting faster and faster. Then I am tense, his lips are planted on me, and there is a whispering turn. I do not know how long it lasted, but when we opened our eyes, his face was also flushed, his eyes warmly watching me. My ears are hot, my eyes are hot, and I quickly turned away. In order to avoid embarrassment, I avoided him. However, I found myself often memorizing that kiss, and my mind would wander... maybe that is what it feels like to be drunk. One day on the way home, he caught up with me on a quiet section of the road. He had been trying since that day to apologize to me. In fact, though, I am not angry.
Lee is my best friend and the best student, she and Jung are close, so I and Jung sometimes cook for her. One day, in the classroom, Jung secretly passed a note to me: 'Today is her birthday. After class let's go together to her home. Meet me at the school entrance?'
I read the note, and went back to Jung, nodded and smiled in agreement.
Lynn put on a pink dress with the same color shoes. It all went well with her pink cheeks so it gave her a youthful brisk look! I cannot help but tell her the sign language: 'You are so beautiful!' She gave me a shy smile; she seemed happy but also embarrassed.
Jung saw my sign language, as felt proud also as if my praise reflected on him, and his face was happy, too.
We first decided to go to the outdoor market and decide what to eat from all the signs of the snack vendors: squid soup, fried oysters, rice noodles, and more until our bellies were bursting and we cannot get up so easily. There are streets with stores on both sides, so we entered a shop, Jung picked a pink shell necklace to give to Lee.
After an art shop, Jung suggested we visit Ming Area. So, he drove his family's car toward Ming. We've heard people say that Ming is an exotic place with snake and shows and more. When we arrived here today, everywhere we saw flashing neon lights. I've hear it described as "dazzling", but I do not see what is really special here. Each seller is vigorously soliciting business, with loud sounds covering over each other. Some were even standing in the center of the street, with loudspeakers talking to the crowd to introduce the products. Wave after wave of sounds and lights until wanted to leave. Tired, we went to the cinema to rest by watching a movie.
My Aunt was waiting for me at the door. With the look on her face, it is clear that she was unhappy.
"After class you should come back directly. Don't stay out!"
"Today is Lee's birthday, we accompanied her to see a movie." I explained in sign language.
"I do not want to wait for you at home. My heart has been worried, afraid of what happened to you. I almost went to the police to file a report."
"You can't be serious?" I wanted to say with my mouth, but disagreeing with sign language instead.
"Anyway, I do not want this kind of thing to happen again," my Aunt insisted.
" I can't make friends? I can't have a social life?" I protested.
My Aunt stared at me for a long time, with a stern expression, and finally said:
"You cannot always make me worry about you every time. At least, you have to tell me in advance!"
"I'm sorry, this was a last minute decision. Next time, I will tell you in advance."
I listened and watched for my Aunt's tone to change as I quickly signed what I wanted to say.
Her displeasure seemed to disappear.
Next day, Jung asked: "Did you like the movie last night?"
"Very moving, the actor was great! I like him, very handsome and fit the character." I smiled.
"I am more sympathetic to the heroine, she must always do something thankless silly thing."
As we are discussing the film last night, I did not notice Jay when he approached. His face was angry, then he signed:
"Why did you let me down?"
As Jay signed he looked at me, his eyes confused while staring hard at me.
"What do you mean 'Let you down'? I do not understand what's going on."
"Yesterday I saw you in his car!" Jay signed as he pointed to Jung.
"Who are you to want to control me?" I did in sloppy sign language, grabbed Jung's arm, and turned to leave.
Jay's eyes looked at me and with quick moves he immediately approached me and pulled my hand off Jung. Now Jay's whole is body between me and Jung:
"You can not do this to me! You can not do this to me!" signed Jay emphatically.
I forced myself to break free of his pull, but Jay used even greater strength, and signed:
"I love you! I love you! You know I love you!"
Jay ignored Jung standing there off to the side. Jay bowed his head, and his hot lips quickly kissed me. I was startled and a bit dizzy from the kiss, and I lost my sense of protest.
I do not know how long we stood there, but Jay finally let me go. Jung actually did not leave. He was watching over me to make sure I was okay, but Jung was grinning and laughing--laughing at us. i don't know what I felt... Jay's two eyes warmly staring at me, my ears are hot, but I wanted to find a place to hide where I could think over how I felt.
New Year's greetings are everywhere as the New Year's atmosphere is getting thicker all around!
On the streets, you can see the shops filled with New Year's goods. I am in front of my Aunt's house, putting up some decorations. There are auspicious words and Spring Festival couplets written on red paper all around, ready to go up after the ink has dried up. I also need to go shopping, there is a need to buy things by so many people that it's crowded everywhere.
A few days have brought in a considerable amount of income. I suddenly feel a rush that the holiday is only a reason to promote goods and excuses to make money. Because the festival's time has arrived, people had to spend money on the festival. I guess that feeling is part of growing up. I look over the displays and volunteer to help my Aunt since everyone is selling things. We sell little hand made banners in a handsome style, which are popular with the public because the prices are low.
Later that night, my Aunt told me: "This year your Dad wants you to go back to their home for New Year."
I think about my parents, and I miss the feelings of their love. I had drowned out those feelings at the beginning of my thoughts of fantasy, but now as I reflect I am excited and start to make plans. I pick the train that will get me back to Kaohsiung in the shortest time.
My Aunt asked me to write some more of the Spring Festival banners for her to keep, and a few more for me to take with when I go home. I know she will continue to sell, so I ask: "Do you stilll need my help?"
"Silly girl, you need to get ready to visit your parents who are looking forward to your reunion!"
"My Dad has family in Taipei, not far from here. Doesn't that mean it won't be a complete family reunion?" I do not understand.
"Do not worry about that. You will prepare to leave and I will sell and that is how we both will prepare for the New Year."
During my last night at my Aunt's place, I walk around the area. I've asked Jay to join me but our hands are clasped--so no sign language. But we are both thinking about parting and have the melancholy feelings in our hearts.
There is no moon in the sky, only countless stars, none particularly bright or dark, none flashing.
"When are you coming back?" asked Jay finally.
"Of course I will be back. You should know that."
"Nonsense!" He glared at me.
"I haven't been home for a long time! I am excited to go, but I also want to come back for next semester at school."
"Take good care of yourself, be careful on the way!" Jay gave me a look of concern.
At this point, I suddenly have a feeling of death but I'm not sure where that feeling came from. My heart really is not in the right state... I can't explain.
Seeing a star in the sky, Jay signs:
"That's it!"
Pointing to the stars over there:
"That is the constellation that will remind us of each other as we look up at night."
I follow his fingers, see the distant opposition of the two stars, and my heart becomes more worried and sad.
"What's wrong?" He asks
"I do not like the story of 'the cowboy and the weaver' or any other that goes with that constellation. It is sad to me."
"Why? The stories of the stars are beautiful," he protests.
"What is the beauty of that? They are separated, one year before they see each other's face again. How terrible!" I'm expressing my feelings with more than sign language now.
"Foolish girl, that is just the story of it!" He pulled me into his arms, and I take advantage by putting my head on his shoulder.
We've really come to depend on each other. We under-stand each other, each other's struggles. And we're warm together, like two hearts have been integrated into one.
As we approach the end of the long road, we slow down because we don't want the moment to end. But even as we slow down, we see my Aunt in front of us. I know we must part soon, and so does he. His hands hold my shoulders, his torch-like eyes facing me, looking into mine:
"Do not forget me!"
Then he gives me a peck on my forehead. I hesitated, then pulled down his neck to give him a kiss of my own. He immediately responded enthusiastically. We do not want to be separated, but I know I have to go home. After a few steps, I turned back and waved again.
